Great Gujerati

Bill Gates organized an enormous session to recruit a new Chairman for Microsoft Europe.

5000 candidates assembled in a large room. One candidate is Kantibhai Shah.

Bill Gates: Thank you for coming. Those who do not know JAVA may leave.

2000 people leave the room.

Kantibhai says to himself, 'I do not know JAVA but I have nothing to lose if I stay. I'll give it a try'

Bill Gates: Candidates who never had experience of managing more than 100 people may leave.

2000 people leave the room.

Kantibhai says to himself ' I never managed anybody by myself but I have nothing to lose if I stay. What can happen to me?' So he stays.

Bill Gates: Candidates who do not have management diplomas may leave.

500 people leave the room.

Kantibhai says to himself, 'I left school at 15 but what have I got to lose?' So he stays in the room.

Lastly, Bill Gates asked the candidates who do not speak Serbo - Croat to leave.

498 people leave the room.

Kantibhai says to himself, ' I do not speak one word of Serbo - Croat but what do I have to lose?' So he stays and finds himself with one other candidate. Everyone else has gone.

Bill Gates joined them and said 'Apparently you are the only two candidates who speak Serbo - Croat, so I'd now like to hear you have a conversation together in that language.'

Calmly, Kantibhai turns to the other candidate and says 'Kem Chho' or 'How are you' in Gujerati

The other candidate answers 'Ek Dam Majama' or 'Very well' in Gujerati

Join the Queue...

A man was leaving a cafe when he noticed an unusual funeral. A funeral coffin was followed by a second one. Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black dog. Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single line. The man couldn't stand his curiosity.

He approached the man walking with the dog, "I am so sorry to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single line.

Whose funeral is it?"

The man replied, "That first coffin is for my wife."

What happened to her?"

"My dog attacked and killed her."

"Well, who is in the second coffin?”

"My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her also."

A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men. Then the first one asks in excitement, "Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Join the queue."

Gujarati Funeral

A family in Gujarat was surprised when the coffin of their dead mother (Ba) arrived from the United States. It was sent by one of the daughters. The lifeless body was very tightly squeezed inside the coffin, no space left in him when they opened the lid.
When they opened the lid , they found a letter on top, addressed to her brothers and sisters: Chandrakantbhai, Arvindbhai, Smitaben and Varsha.

Dear Brothers and Sisters,

I am sending our Ba's(mother's) body, since it was his wish that she should be cremated in the compound of our ancestral home in Gujarat. Sorry, I could not come as all my paid leave is consumed. You will find inside the coffin, under Ba's body, boxes of Cheese, 10 packets of Toblerone chocolates and 8 packets of Badam please divide these among all of you.

On Ba's feet you will find a new pair of Reebok shoes(size 10) for Mohan. There are also 2 pairs of shoes for Radha's and Lakshmi's sons. Hope the sizes are correct. Ba is wearing 6 American T-Shirts.The large size is for Mohan. Just distribute them among yourselves. The 2 new Jeans that Ba's is wearing are for the boys. The Swiss watch that Reema wanted is on Ba's left wrist.

Shanta Aunty, Ba is wearing the necklace, earrings and ring that you asked for. Please take them off her. The 6 white cotton socks that Ba is wearing must be divided among my teenager nephews.

Please distribute all these uniformly and if anything more required let me know as Bapa is also not feeling too well nowadays...

Thanks,
loving sister,
Radhika

Today's Job Market: Two Opposite Suicides

Best "Out-Of-Office" E-Mail Auto-Replies

1: I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position.


2: You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.


3: Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management


4: I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.


5: Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.


6: The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.'
(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).


7: Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.


8: Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.


9: Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages.


10: I've run away to join a different circus.


11: I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons.
When I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta' instead of 'Steve'.

Veterinary Doctor and Engineer!

Once a man went to a Veterinary Doctor and said : Doctor I have come on vacation for a month so that I can get myself treated fully within this period.

Doctor: I think you should go to the Doctor opposite to my clinic, see that board.

Man: No, Doctor, I have come to you only

Doctor: But, gentleman I am a Veterinary Doctor. I am an animal specialist. I do not treat human beings.

Man: I know, Doctor very well and that is why I have come to you only…

Doctor: I can not, because you speak like me, think like me, talk like me which means you are a human being and not an animal.

Man: I know I am a human but listen to my complaints first.

Doctor: OK.. Tell me.

Man: I sleep like a "Dog" thinking about my work load whole night.

I get up in the morning like a "Horse"

I go to work running like a "Deer"

I work all the day like a "Donkey"

I run around for 11 months like a "Bull" without any holiday.

I wag my "Tail" in front of all my bosses

I play with my children like a "Monkey" if I get time.

I am like a "Rabbit" before my wife

Doctor: are you an "Engineer"?

Man: Yes

Doctor: Instead of telling this long history you should have told me in the beginning itself that you are are an engineer. Come man, no one can treat you better than me.

A must to implement in Life...

The following is a small but a very meaningful message. The message is a fact that many people fail to realize and understand.

A wise man once sat in the audience & cracked a joke.
All laughed like crazy. After a moment he cracked the same joke again and a little less people laughed this time.
He cracked the same joke again & again, when there was no laughter in the crowd,
he smiled and said,
"When u can't laugh on the same joke again & again, then why do u keep crying over the same thing over and over again"
"Forget the Past and Move On..."