Today's Job Market: Two Opposite Suicides

Best "Out-Of-Office" E-Mail Auto-Replies

1: I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position.


2: You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.


3: Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management


4: I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.


5: Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.


6: The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.'
(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).


7: Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.


8: Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.


9: Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages.


10: I've run away to join a different circus.


11: I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons.
When I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta' instead of 'Steve'.

Veterinary Doctor and Engineer!

Once a man went to a Veterinary Doctor and said : Doctor I have come on vacation for a month so that I can get myself treated fully within this period.

Doctor: I think you should go to the Doctor opposite to my clinic, see that board.

Man: No, Doctor, I have come to you only

Doctor: But, gentleman I am a Veterinary Doctor. I am an animal specialist. I do not treat human beings.

Man: I know, Doctor very well and that is why I have come to you only…

Doctor: I can not, because you speak like me, think like me, talk like me which means you are a human being and not an animal.

Man: I know I am a human but listen to my complaints first.

Doctor: OK.. Tell me.

Man: I sleep like a "Dog" thinking about my work load whole night.

I get up in the morning like a "Horse"

I go to work running like a "Deer"

I work all the day like a "Donkey"

I run around for 11 months like a "Bull" without any holiday.

I wag my "Tail" in front of all my bosses

I play with my children like a "Monkey" if I get time.

I am like a "Rabbit" before my wife

Doctor: are you an "Engineer"?

Man: Yes

Doctor: Instead of telling this long history you should have told me in the beginning itself that you are are an engineer. Come man, no one can treat you better than me.

A must to implement in Life...

The following is a small but a very meaningful message. The message is a fact that many people fail to realize and understand.

A wise man once sat in the audience & cracked a joke.
All laughed like crazy. After a moment he cracked the same joke again and a little less people laughed this time.
He cracked the same joke again & again, when there was no laughter in the crowd,
he smiled and said,
"When u can't laugh on the same joke again & again, then why do u keep crying over the same thing over and over again"
"Forget the Past and Move On..."

A Man and his Monkeys

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each."

The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys. Then they never saw the man or his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!

Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.

How Stock Market Works...Real Story

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went upon the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."
The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a van carrying dead bodies for the last 25 years."